What is it about a woman that can be so cold, so calculating and so ruthless. I really just don't get how you can spend 18 months "with" someone and just turn over night and start another relationship with someone else and how can she involve her family in this too - are they all so shallow and have no feelings. What must her children think to this, do they not see such behaviour is contradictory to their religion and contradictory to any sense of morality.
Is it an Islamic thing - are they all so hypercritical and use their religion as a shield to hide behind the just to whatever they like, or perhaps culturally and Egyptian thing, class, connections and status is all they seem to think about no genuine feelings - just business and progress.
I would love to know these answers but have to accept they are to cowardly, too conceited to ever consider others and their feelings to answer or talk about these matters.
Inevitably I feel bitter, but I feel robbed of both an answer and 18 months of my life. Robbed of hopes, dreams and trust. Such lies and cold heartedness... how can anyone have such little thought, compassion and feelings?
Saturday, 30 April 2011
Wednesday, 27 April 2011
Another 7lbs lost... totalling over a stone and a half in a month...
I have been on the diet now for a month and lost over 21lbs and feel a lots better physically, but still so suffering mentally. Such hard going when I feel the effort is worthless and she will never know how hard I am trying to change for the better. I can only hope and pray that perhaps with God's grace she may call or text (ever the optimist!). I would just love to show her that I can do it.
Getting through without a drink is so hard, especially through the grief, alcohol has always been my crutch and now I am so desperately trying cold turkey to lose weight and gain control, when I still feel so out of control.
Read this quote last night...
If You Love Something Let It Go Free….
If it doesn’t come back, you never had it. If it comes back, love it forever.
I pray so hard that she will come back and we can have a love that lasts forever and for life, married and getting old together - I constantly pray for a miracle... please God!
Getting through without a drink is so hard, especially through the grief, alcohol has always been my crutch and now I am so desperately trying cold turkey to lose weight and gain control, when I still feel so out of control.
Read this quote last night...
If You Love Something Let It Go Free….
If it doesn’t come back, you never had it. If it comes back, love it forever.
I pray so hard that she will come back and we can have a love that lasts forever and for life, married and getting old together - I constantly pray for a miracle... please God!
Tuesday, 26 April 2011
Should I or shouln't I...
That is the question, whether to contact her or not? Every inch of me aches for her and still after a month I don't want to contemplate life without her, but is it too soon? I don't want to contact too soon, but also would hate her to think I don't want too (I know she probably hasn't given me a second though, so all decisions are arbitary, but what if I don't contact her and she thinks I have given up, that I don't care... it is so so far from the truth. She hasn't been online for a while and I don't know whether it's because she has found someone else and is texting and calling, or, the one that I hope, is that she has given up for the moment and perhaps time to think may have stopped her trying. If this was the case I so want to let her know I would forgive her every thing just to have her in my arms and feel her close to me once more.
A month of torture for me, a month of loneliness and sadness and struggling to cope.
So should I or shouldn't I?
A month of torture for me, a month of loneliness and sadness and struggling to cope.
So should I or shouldn't I?
Monday, 25 April 2011
Just one more kiss...
Gentle, moist and seductive,
Sweet and tender anticipation,
Soft and slow and oh so gentle,
Anticipation of sensuous times,
Then tough ignites a burning passion,
Warmth and heat and softness,
Never ending bliss,
For just one more kiss...
x
Miss you
Sweet and tender anticipation,
Soft and slow and oh so gentle,
Anticipation of sensuous times,
Then tough ignites a burning passion,
Warmth and heat and softness,
Never ending bliss,
For just one more kiss...
x
Miss you
Sunday, 24 April 2011
Forget me not...
Every piece of advice I have read and been told, tells me to let go, move on and forget her. But what if, just what if she is the one, I feel it inside, she is the one. people say there will be others and we all love again and perhaps in time I will move on, but she is the one and I don't want to forget her, I want to fight for her, wait for her, or do whatever it takes to be with her. I want to lead an extraodinary life with her. From the moment i saw her on the dating site, it sound bizarre, but she was the only one I wanted to chat to. She was the only one I chatted to, asked out and wanted from the start - the only one, surely that can't just be chance, surely there is a meaning to this. I can't, and quite frankly, don't want to forget. I will try to be happy in other ways and make a wonderful life for my children, but I DON'T WANT anyone else, she is the one and I will never forget her!
Saturday, 23 April 2011
Thirty five miles on my bike...
Thirty five miles on my bike... seventeen there, a bit of shopping and a coffee and seventeen back, through beautiful, sunny countryside with friends. Feel so tired now, had a hot bath and some food and just wish it all had been with her. She would have loved the day, doing and countryside and exercise, if only I had snapped out of my depression, pulled myself together, planned, acted and sorted myself out, we could have been now cuddling on the sofa together after a fabulous day. I feel better for doing it but now sad, empty and very alone. All I want to do is share it with her, tell her about it, plan to do it with her and spend the night chatting to her. I miss her voice, her smile and her laugh.
I can't help wondering, who she's with, what she's doing and whether she ever spares me a thought... at least I should sleep well and long... hoping for happy dreams to contrast with the meloncholia inside.
I can't help wondering, who she's with, what she's doing and whether she ever spares me a thought... at least I should sleep well and long... hoping for happy dreams to contrast with the meloncholia inside.
Thursday, 21 April 2011
In a heart beat...
I would take her back, I would run to her, I would never let her go and go to the ends of the earth for heart, In a heart beat I would spend the rest of my life with her and glady give everything I have to her, just to share another kiss, another smile, another night... I miss my best friend, I miss our chats, our hours on the phone, the constant texts and love... in a heart beat I would be there for her....why god won't she be there for me!
Is there hope...
Feel lost today and without hope, don't even know if I would want her back as I just don't think I can cope with the pain of her ever leaving again. My life seems empty and lacking joy and laughter, just wish i could go back, ironically she told me not to look back but move forward, but my heart literally hurst and can't do a thing. Lost hope...
Wednesday, 20 April 2011
Hindsight...
Hindsight...
If I could turn back time,
I would appreciate you more,
I would relish you more,
I would kiss you more,
Tell you I love you more,
I would never let you go,
I would pander to your whims,
I would "do" more,
Be more,
Think more,
Hindsight...
If I could turn back time,
I would appreciate you more,
I would relish you more,
I would kiss you more,
Tell you I love you more,
I would never let you go,
I would pander to your whims,
I would "do" more,
Be more,
Think more,
Hindsight...
Do we really know anyone...
Do we really know anyone?
I had been with this person for 18 months and thought I knew all about her, or at least thought I knew a fair bit about her, it was a fabulous journey getting to know her and thought we were akin on so many levels, both morality, loyalty and integrity, these were the traits that I really attracted me to her in the first place.
So how can I not have realised what she was capable of, how did I not see the coldness the matter of factness, the ruthlessness of being dumped and her moving on so quickly, it seems so out of character with the person I had spent so much time with, loved so much and wanted to spend my life with... is it my perception, is it I just don't get people and how they think.
I find the whole scenario so difficult to comprehend and therefore can't trust my own decision making ability. I have been looking at engagement rings again and still pondering whether to try, one last time. I have never asked anyone to marry me and she is the one, should I? I keep running it through my mind so many many times, am I being stupid and not accepting he situation or should I just not accept it and go with my instinct and ask her anyway, even knowing I am risking such heart break and rejection again - and could I ever trust her, could I ever put my self at risk of her just running out again.
Perhaps it's my fear from my ex wife, she left after 15 years together, overnight, with my children and left me destitute as she had been planning her new life for some time, not paying bills and stealing the money. She was an alcoholic and I always thought it was because of this the way she had acted, but again, I see my soulmates actions and think, its just the same - totally cut off without compassion, empathy and remorse - is it me, have I chosen badly, or are all women like this, can we trust and do we ever really know anyone?
I had been with this person for 18 months and thought I knew all about her, or at least thought I knew a fair bit about her, it was a fabulous journey getting to know her and thought we were akin on so many levels, both morality, loyalty and integrity, these were the traits that I really attracted me to her in the first place.
So how can I not have realised what she was capable of, how did I not see the coldness the matter of factness, the ruthlessness of being dumped and her moving on so quickly, it seems so out of character with the person I had spent so much time with, loved so much and wanted to spend my life with... is it my perception, is it I just don't get people and how they think.
I find the whole scenario so difficult to comprehend and therefore can't trust my own decision making ability. I have been looking at engagement rings again and still pondering whether to try, one last time. I have never asked anyone to marry me and she is the one, should I? I keep running it through my mind so many many times, am I being stupid and not accepting he situation or should I just not accept it and go with my instinct and ask her anyway, even knowing I am risking such heart break and rejection again - and could I ever trust her, could I ever put my self at risk of her just running out again.
Perhaps it's my fear from my ex wife, she left after 15 years together, overnight, with my children and left me destitute as she had been planning her new life for some time, not paying bills and stealing the money. She was an alcoholic and I always thought it was because of this the way she had acted, but again, I see my soulmates actions and think, its just the same - totally cut off without compassion, empathy and remorse - is it me, have I chosen badly, or are all women like this, can we trust and do we ever really know anyone?
Tuesday, 19 April 2011
It's been three weeks and I can't stop crying...
It's been three weeks and I can't stop crying... can't stop myself thinking about her, can't stop my heart from hurting and can't stop this dreadful longing, a deep agonising longing that just tears me apart. How can she just go on as though I never even existed. How can she just blot the last eighteen months out of her mind. How can she be so cold.
I feel a hopelessness pervading and engulfing me, a lack of meaning and direction, my mind doesn't seem to be able to work properly. I drop things, I forget things, I wander aimlessly and my mind races so, so fast, running through every variation of every scenario, thinking how I could have changed things, thinking how can I change things, what can I do to make money to prove to her my worth, to be able to look after her, to be a "man" and take care of her. Desperately rack my brains, desperately pray, pray to what I just don't know, yet I still pray, pray for a MIRACLE, oh, please god, show me some kindness and empathy, show me the way, show me a sign, give me some gracious favour, let me find peace and happiness, let everything be good, show her the way, lead her back to me, let her see my forgiveness and let us spend our lives in thankfulness of the mercy and generosity of your glory. Please give me this miracle... I have tried to lead a good charitable, kind life, all my life, please show, me give, allow me this happines. I ask, I knock and I seek...desperately please answer!
I feel a hopelessness pervading and engulfing me, a lack of meaning and direction, my mind doesn't seem to be able to work properly. I drop things, I forget things, I wander aimlessly and my mind races so, so fast, running through every variation of every scenario, thinking how I could have changed things, thinking how can I change things, what can I do to make money to prove to her my worth, to be able to look after her, to be a "man" and take care of her. Desperately rack my brains, desperately pray, pray to what I just don't know, yet I still pray, pray for a MIRACLE, oh, please god, show me some kindness and empathy, show me the way, show me a sign, give me some gracious favour, let me find peace and happiness, let everything be good, show her the way, lead her back to me, let her see my forgiveness and let us spend our lives in thankfulness of the mercy and generosity of your glory. Please give me this miracle... I have tried to lead a good charitable, kind life, all my life, please show, me give, allow me this happines. I ask, I knock and I seek...desperately please answer!
Lost 7lbs this week...
Lost 7lbs this week... bring my total for the last three weeks to 21lbs - but still such a long long way to go and despite what should be something to be proud of I feel so desperately demotivated and want it to be more, yet can't get myself to exercise - perhaps tomorrow may be different, but I just think "what's the point", she is right I guess I am just lazy - can't motivate myself to do anything, just do the things that I have to. So desperatley want to be thin, to prove to her that I can change, I can change (yet here I am being lazy! - such contradictions - must pull myself together).
I feel so tired and sleep is still my friend, somewhere to stop thinking and sometimes I might even have a a fabulous dream of us together, just one more kiss one more night - my dreams are of this and don't know how to make them a reality. Everything I seem to do is not enough - I am lazy - not enough work done, not enough weight lost, not enough energy, not man enough, what sort of "real" man is so weak and needy, - how do I change this, she will now for ever see me as weak and needy and fat - oh so very fat - 7lbs and still so fat - so tired. I so hope I dream of us together and happy times, miss her so much.
I feel so tired and sleep is still my friend, somewhere to stop thinking and sometimes I might even have a a fabulous dream of us together, just one more kiss one more night - my dreams are of this and don't know how to make them a reality. Everything I seem to do is not enough - I am lazy - not enough work done, not enough weight lost, not enough energy, not man enough, what sort of "real" man is so weak and needy, - how do I change this, she will now for ever see me as weak and needy and fat - oh so very fat - 7lbs and still so fat - so tired. I so hope I dream of us together and happy times, miss her so much.
Sunday, 17 April 2011
Egypt...
She will be in Egypt now, I was supposed to be going with her to have a break together, just can't stop thinking about her today, feel quite bereft. So wish I was there, so wish I could hold her, kiss her and never let her go...can't stop crying. If I could turn back time. I keep thinking about marriage and wishing I had asked her, wishing we were to spend our lives together, wishing and dreaming...that's all I ever seem to do wish, hope, dream and pray... it does no good. Feel forsaken by everyone and so very lonely. Just don't know where to turn or what to do... when will this pass, I can't stand it!
Saturday, 16 April 2011
A transient world...
Perhaps it's old fashioned, but I hate the nature of this transition, disposable world. What ever happened to commitment, loyalty, through good times and bad, talking about things, compromise, patience and tolerance. My rose tinted specs want all of these things and therefore I become so disappointed when others don't have the same values.
I guess because of her faith and rhetoric, I thought she was on the same wavelength, I really thought she had backbone and integrity - WHAM - I was so, so wrong - just the same - as soon as things aren't quite perfect, throw it away and start again. Or perhaps there was no love there at all in the first place and this was just an excuse, but still, signing up the next day to the dating site... what messages does this give her children... when things are touch...give in... no effort...no compassion...pity the little ones!
I think I belong to a different time (possibly a different planet!). Love doesn't seem to conquer all and it just a sad, transient world...
I guess because of her faith and rhetoric, I thought she was on the same wavelength, I really thought she had backbone and integrity - WHAM - I was so, so wrong - just the same - as soon as things aren't quite perfect, throw it away and start again. Or perhaps there was no love there at all in the first place and this was just an excuse, but still, signing up the next day to the dating site... what messages does this give her children... when things are touch...give in... no effort...no compassion...pity the little ones!
I think I belong to a different time (possibly a different planet!). Love doesn't seem to conquer all and it just a sad, transient world...
Friday, 15 April 2011
Hell...
A flame shot through my heart, remembering her kiss.
I was on fire. I knew no thought but this;
I loved you - mind, heart, body, brain and soul.
And nothing can douse the flames.
Burning all around me, this is what hell must be.
I was on fire. I knew no thought but this;
I loved you - mind, heart, body, brain and soul.
And nothing can douse the flames.
Burning all around me, this is what hell must be.
I think of you...
when the sun warms my skin,
when I hear laughter,
when I see a smiling face,
when the sky is blue,
when the stars twinkle bright,
when music touches me,
when lovers kiss,
when I shed a tear...
I think of you
hoping your life is full of sunshine
x 0 x
when I hear laughter,
when I see a smiling face,
when the sky is blue,
when the stars twinkle bright,
when music touches me,
when lovers kiss,
when I shed a tear...
I think of you
hoping your life is full of sunshine
x 0 x
Wednesday, 13 April 2011
Acceptance...
I guess I will never hear from her again, wish I knew why, wish I could understand what is/was going on in her mind. Wish I could persuade her that it could be amazing, wonderful... but I guess I never will be able to. Keep thinking about getting in touch and maybe, nearer her birthday in July, I might send flower...why I don't know, am I just torturing myself with rejection. She has other men who profess undying love to her, one of her old colleagues and she just leads him on, "for friendship" HA!
She would probably do the same to me... but I wouldn't let her. Is it me or is it her... is she searching for something that isn't there... is she after total control... will she find love in her hear for someone else. I know I could have done more, but I don't think it would have been enough for either of us. She wanted so much and I just wanted love, neither of us got what we wanted. I just got a broken heart, loss of faith and realisation that you really can't trust anyone... I have no idea what she got. I think I accept what has gone on, but there are so many unanswered questions... ans such a loss... my best friend, lover, confidant and future wife... acceptance is so hard!
She would probably do the same to me... but I wouldn't let her. Is it me or is it her... is she searching for something that isn't there... is she after total control... will she find love in her hear for someone else. I know I could have done more, but I don't think it would have been enough for either of us. She wanted so much and I just wanted love, neither of us got what we wanted. I just got a broken heart, loss of faith and realisation that you really can't trust anyone... I have no idea what she got. I think I accept what has gone on, but there are so many unanswered questions... ans such a loss... my best friend, lover, confidant and future wife... acceptance is so hard!
Tuesday, 12 April 2011
Lost 5lbs this week...
Lost 5lbs this week...plus ten last week, so over a stone in two weeks, if this carries on I could be back at the weight I met her by her birthday... would this show her I can change... or will I by this stage just be a distant memory. Should I just move on... so difficult, she had been on my mind all day and all of last night, going over again and again, what I could have done differently.
The weight loss is good, but it is very much a drop in the ocean to what I need to do and I know I need to excercise, but I am so lacking in motivation, all I want is a few bottles of cold crisp Australian Chardonnay to stop my relentless mind.
Can't help thinking about who she is with and, who would be kissing those amazing lips and now, even if she called, could I ever trust or forgive her, so arbitary as I really don't, despite all my wishful thinking think it would ever happen - even if she wanted too, she would be too proud to call. I am brimming with jealousy, anger and unhappiness and wish it would all end soon.
Despite my lack of faith, I still find myself talking to and praying to go... so praying for a miracle... just a little one, or even just a sign. How can my god be so unkind, so unloving and inflict so much pain on me. All I want is to have a reason for it all, hence my struggle to have faith. Every tv programme or song on the radio seems set on reminding me that I have no one and am so, so alone. Seeing any affection between two people makes me mourn my loss and pity myself more, knowing that I will never find love or happiness again brings me to tears and true despair. How can my god desert me in my hours of need, how can the love of my life desert me in my hours of need, desert me and kick me whilst I am down. I feel so worthless and ashamed of what I have become, I had such hope, dreams and ambitions all now seem a distance memory and just don't know where to turn. Faith and hope seem pointless, perhaps acceptance of this is it - and if it is I just don't want it... still I did lose 5lbs this week... meaningless with recognition and appreciation from her. So sad...so lonely...wish she was here to hold my hand and wipe away my tears...just can't stop thinking about her...God help me!
The weight loss is good, but it is very much a drop in the ocean to what I need to do and I know I need to excercise, but I am so lacking in motivation, all I want is a few bottles of cold crisp Australian Chardonnay to stop my relentless mind.
Can't help thinking about who she is with and, who would be kissing those amazing lips and now, even if she called, could I ever trust or forgive her, so arbitary as I really don't, despite all my wishful thinking think it would ever happen - even if she wanted too, she would be too proud to call. I am brimming with jealousy, anger and unhappiness and wish it would all end soon.
Despite my lack of faith, I still find myself talking to and praying to go... so praying for a miracle... just a little one, or even just a sign. How can my god be so unkind, so unloving and inflict so much pain on me. All I want is to have a reason for it all, hence my struggle to have faith. Every tv programme or song on the radio seems set on reminding me that I have no one and am so, so alone. Seeing any affection between two people makes me mourn my loss and pity myself more, knowing that I will never find love or happiness again brings me to tears and true despair. How can my god desert me in my hours of need, how can the love of my life desert me in my hours of need, desert me and kick me whilst I am down. I feel so worthless and ashamed of what I have become, I had such hope, dreams and ambitions all now seem a distance memory and just don't know where to turn. Faith and hope seem pointless, perhaps acceptance of this is it - and if it is I just don't want it... still I did lose 5lbs this week... meaningless with recognition and appreciation from her. So sad...so lonely...wish she was here to hold my hand and wipe away my tears...just can't stop thinking about her...God help me!
Monday, 11 April 2011
Just not meant for this world...
I struggle every day and live for my children, but keep thinking over and over again I am just not meant for this world. My rose tinted specs have become blurry and in need of repair and I just don't think I can face a world of cruelty, insincerity and lack of love. I have struggled for years, often feeling socially and intellectually inept, blustering on and on with the crutch of alcohol to get me through, and stop my mind ans stop me facing up to the cold harsh world. Struggling and never achieving anything, never love, never success and always being let down by the ones I love most. I feel so tired, tired of life and tired on trying, tired and just want to sleep and not wake up.
The only thing that gets me up in the morning are my two little ones, and even they can't seem to soften the indemic blight of a moribund mind. Even here I am stuck, I could and never would leave them, but every day seems a hell on earth and unbearable. I just don't know where to turn to, to over come this situation. I can't even provide adequately for for them. I want to give them the world, as I have with my ex, but seem to continually fail miserably on all counts. I just don't get it, I see all around me people doing so well, people who are unkind, miserable, people who aren't that bright, people who are less priveledged, yet all seem to be able to cope and do better than I. I just don't get it, don't understand why I can't seem to move forward, do well and prosper, but I am just lost. No wonder any woman could not bear to be with such a loser. I just think I am not meant for this world...just want a release...or JUST A BREAK FOR FUCK SAKE!!!
The only thing that gets me up in the morning are my two little ones, and even they can't seem to soften the indemic blight of a moribund mind. Even here I am stuck, I could and never would leave them, but every day seems a hell on earth and unbearable. I just don't know where to turn to, to over come this situation. I can't even provide adequately for for them. I want to give them the world, as I have with my ex, but seem to continually fail miserably on all counts. I just don't get it, I see all around me people doing so well, people who are unkind, miserable, people who aren't that bright, people who are less priveledged, yet all seem to be able to cope and do better than I. I just don't get it, don't understand why I can't seem to move forward, do well and prosper, but I am just lost. No wonder any woman could not bear to be with such a loser. I just think I am not meant for this world...just want a release...or JUST A BREAK FOR FUCK SAKE!!!
A lesson to be learnt...
Was her insincerity intentional, or just delusional, I tend to hope it was the latter, I think with such a huge ego she probably just doesn't consider the contractions in what she said and what she does.
A good muslim who dates and sleeps with any religion! Reading the Koran and forcing them to attend religious lessons, yet getting them to participate in her dating profile online, only days after splitting from me after 18 months... I just don't understand how she doesn't view this as hypocrital. The irony is afetr the lies and deciet of my ex wife, one of the main attractions of her was, what I thought was a high moral stance. She told me to start of with, since her husband left her (who she had supported and given evrything too) she had concentrated on her career and looking after her kids.
But as I got to know her, the truth gradually slipped out, a series of affairs and dates, flirting and destroyng other relationships without any consideration for her part in what was going on and a totally selfish stance, "I needed it at the time". And this deveoted mother, who left her 12 and 15 year old whilst she socialised, dated and had "her" time. Why did I not realise this. It did send alarm bells, but I was so smitten and ignored them... a lesson to be learnt!
A good muslim who dates and sleeps with any religion! Reading the Koran and forcing them to attend religious lessons, yet getting them to participate in her dating profile online, only days after splitting from me after 18 months... I just don't understand how she doesn't view this as hypocrital. The irony is afetr the lies and deciet of my ex wife, one of the main attractions of her was, what I thought was a high moral stance. She told me to start of with, since her husband left her (who she had supported and given evrything too) she had concentrated on her career and looking after her kids.
But as I got to know her, the truth gradually slipped out, a series of affairs and dates, flirting and destroyng other relationships without any consideration for her part in what was going on and a totally selfish stance, "I needed it at the time". And this deveoted mother, who left her 12 and 15 year old whilst she socialised, dated and had "her" time. Why did I not realise this. It did send alarm bells, but I was so smitten and ignored them... a lesson to be learnt!
Sunday, 10 April 2011
Saw her profile and...
Still can't resist looking at her profile and reading it and thinking that is me you are after...but for the first time today saw her profile and didn't end up in tears. I noticed it had changed and can't help wondering why. Yoga...she never did yoga with me and Gospel singing... we had this conversation..it's "Gospel"...as in from the Gospels from the bible! ... again a very devout Muslim...only when she wants!
I wish I had handled things differently, but all she needed to do was hold out her hand. I am trying now to address my problems, one of which is huge regret, but I need to understand why I got this way and try not to revert back. It has cost me the love of my life. I still think if I was the love of her life she would have come to me, helped me and we could have worked things out. I really don't think I could have loved her more...but love on one side I guess is just not enough. I wish I knew what she wanted - I guess I do this perfectly together, wealthy, cultured man who never answers back, lets her have the freedom to do what she wants, yet jumps when she calls. Provides her with an income so she doesn't have to work, provides her with a house and travels and explores the world with her doing what she wants to do...good luck with that one! (Are the any gay, mute millionaires out there! lol).
Ironically I would have loved to do most of those things for her and with (apart from the not answering back!) and would have given her everything I owned (not a lot), but it was not enough...
Time to try to move on... I will never stop wishing and praying she will call, but hold little hope. I truly think now this is it for me with relationships... can't stand this heart ache ans don't think I could find someone to compare with her... and I won't settle for second best. I will concentrate on my kids, work and friends (miss my best friend though and guess always will, but have to deal with it)... onward and upward!
I wish I had handled things differently, but all she needed to do was hold out her hand. I am trying now to address my problems, one of which is huge regret, but I need to understand why I got this way and try not to revert back. It has cost me the love of my life. I still think if I was the love of her life she would have come to me, helped me and we could have worked things out. I really don't think I could have loved her more...but love on one side I guess is just not enough. I wish I knew what she wanted - I guess I do this perfectly together, wealthy, cultured man who never answers back, lets her have the freedom to do what she wants, yet jumps when she calls. Provides her with an income so she doesn't have to work, provides her with a house and travels and explores the world with her doing what she wants to do...good luck with that one! (Are the any gay, mute millionaires out there! lol).
Ironically I would have loved to do most of those things for her and with (apart from the not answering back!) and would have given her everything I owned (not a lot), but it was not enough...
Time to try to move on... I will never stop wishing and praying she will call, but hold little hope. I truly think now this is it for me with relationships... can't stand this heart ache ans don't think I could find someone to compare with her... and I won't settle for second best. I will concentrate on my kids, work and friends (miss my best friend though and guess always will, but have to deal with it)... onward and upward!
Saturday, 9 April 2011
What a bitch...
Woke up in the middle of the night and thought....
I have so been used. Ok I have my faults and depression in one of those but ...
She was so manipulative... "change or I leave you" ...plan, lose wieght, I want a house in london, me, me,me - that's not love, that's just controlling, manipulative and nasty.
Morals and integrity... what sort of woman, especially a "muslim" woman dumps somebody because they don't comply with her demands, then the next day sign back up for a dating site?
Lies, lies lies.... she told me that she was totally loyal to her ex husband... yet bitterly calls him a loser.. I suspect it was her that drove him into the arms of another woman...nothing ever good enough always wanting more...plan...succeed...plan. Perhaps all he wanted too was support and love. If i am with someone I give completely... NOT WITH ME... I guess she never was with me...always on the look out for something someone better.
Despite me being a single father, it was always me that made more of an effort with journeys, always an excuse, work...daughters exams, moving home....new job...kids need me etc etc
The first time I ever stood up to her when I was knackered she sulked the entire weekend.
She accused me of having no money, it was her that could bever afford to go away - unless if was spending thousands on her birthday (which she never even considered sharing with me), or buying clothes or wasting it on vanity photography for her a son, or weekends with her cousin (again a cancelled weekend and then not invited or included in her family. I think she only ever had a family meal with us a couple of time, where I had been with her, cooked for her and her family countless times. We never, ever shared a "normal" weekend at home, doing just family things...always wanting to do do do... never enough, always,more. I so wanted to share domesticity with here, family life, the day to day. I wanted to get to know her better, perhaps in retrospect that wasn't a good idea. I wanted to bring her tea in the morning, prepare a light lunch for us both in the garden and have friends and family for dinner... such dinners we would have had. We never hosted one together...we would have been fabulous hosting dinner and long lingering lunches. Never even got a chance!!!
Such a huge massive overwhelming ego and so manipulative and bullying to both me and her family. Really does think she has life mapped and planned out...plan..plan...plan and no regard for the damage and pain she will cause. Just keeps flirting her way up a very moderate career path... ego, ego, ego.
And such a flirt, with any and every available male, who doted on her and she even ruined relationships without giving a shit of the consequences of her actions. How can someone who forces the Koran on their children justify themselves having a relationship with a married man - double standards and such hypocrisy.
She was the one who just went silent for three days wouldn't talk or return my text...so so selfish, with no explanation...just your not my husband, you don't need to know everything.
Gives the rhetoric that she been a single mum with no relationships... the more I found out, the more I realised there was a string of relationships...all sectret...and often immoral. This i also the great single mum that leaves her 13 year old and 15 year old alaone for a week whilst she swans off the Poland...two kids alone for the week- very caring and considerate!!!
And now involving her "muslim" children in getting her back dating...does she really not realise what mixed hypocrital messages this gives. She should be ashamed of herself.
Talk about my drinking... she was the one that got so drunk when first meeting my cousin and best friend that she threw up all of the wine bar...ALL OVER. If this had been the other way round I would have been dumped instantly.
Still on her profile ... possibly wants chilren...when we had a scare she just wanted an abortion (again how islamic!!!)...HYPOCRITE!!!
She deserves someone who treats her as she is treated...
Despite this I still loved her... just guess she didn't love me...just in to take, take, take and when she realised that her plan wasn't working - DUMPED!!! NO LOYALTY, NO RESPECT, NO EMPATHY, NO COMPASSION --
WHAT A BITCH !!!!!
So why do I still love her and would take her back in a heart beat... what is it about me that's such a sucker. I know logically it's probably for the best, but my heart, my broken weary heart, just want her to be here. If only she would walk through the door and say I'm here, here for life, unconditionally... I would do anything. Still deluded...I just wonder of she ever thinks of what could have been...we could have been amazing.
I have so been used. Ok I have my faults and depression in one of those but ...
She was so manipulative... "change or I leave you" ...plan, lose wieght, I want a house in london, me, me,me - that's not love, that's just controlling, manipulative and nasty.
Morals and integrity... what sort of woman, especially a "muslim" woman dumps somebody because they don't comply with her demands, then the next day sign back up for a dating site?
Lies, lies lies.... she told me that she was totally loyal to her ex husband... yet bitterly calls him a loser.. I suspect it was her that drove him into the arms of another woman...nothing ever good enough always wanting more...plan...succeed...plan. Perhaps all he wanted too was support and love. If i am with someone I give completely... NOT WITH ME... I guess she never was with me...always on the look out for something someone better.
Despite me being a single father, it was always me that made more of an effort with journeys, always an excuse, work...daughters exams, moving home....new job...kids need me etc etc
The first time I ever stood up to her when I was knackered she sulked the entire weekend.
She accused me of having no money, it was her that could bever afford to go away - unless if was spending thousands on her birthday (which she never even considered sharing with me), or buying clothes or wasting it on vanity photography for her a son, or weekends with her cousin (again a cancelled weekend and then not invited or included in her family. I think she only ever had a family meal with us a couple of time, where I had been with her, cooked for her and her family countless times. We never, ever shared a "normal" weekend at home, doing just family things...always wanting to do do do... never enough, always,more. I so wanted to share domesticity with here, family life, the day to day. I wanted to get to know her better, perhaps in retrospect that wasn't a good idea. I wanted to bring her tea in the morning, prepare a light lunch for us both in the garden and have friends and family for dinner... such dinners we would have had. We never hosted one together...we would have been fabulous hosting dinner and long lingering lunches. Never even got a chance!!!
Such a huge massive overwhelming ego and so manipulative and bullying to both me and her family. Really does think she has life mapped and planned out...plan..plan...plan and no regard for the damage and pain she will cause. Just keeps flirting her way up a very moderate career path... ego, ego, ego.
And such a flirt, with any and every available male, who doted on her and she even ruined relationships without giving a shit of the consequences of her actions. How can someone who forces the Koran on their children justify themselves having a relationship with a married man - double standards and such hypocrisy.
She was the one who just went silent for three days wouldn't talk or return my text...so so selfish, with no explanation...just your not my husband, you don't need to know everything.
Gives the rhetoric that she been a single mum with no relationships... the more I found out, the more I realised there was a string of relationships...all sectret...and often immoral. This i also the great single mum that leaves her 13 year old and 15 year old alaone for a week whilst she swans off the Poland...two kids alone for the week- very caring and considerate!!!
And now involving her "muslim" children in getting her back dating...does she really not realise what mixed hypocrital messages this gives. She should be ashamed of herself.
Talk about my drinking... she was the one that got so drunk when first meeting my cousin and best friend that she threw up all of the wine bar...ALL OVER. If this had been the other way round I would have been dumped instantly.
Still on her profile ... possibly wants chilren...when we had a scare she just wanted an abortion (again how islamic!!!)...HYPOCRITE!!!
She deserves someone who treats her as she is treated...
Despite this I still loved her... just guess she didn't love me...just in to take, take, take and when she realised that her plan wasn't working - DUMPED!!! NO LOYALTY, NO RESPECT, NO EMPATHY, NO COMPASSION --
WHAT A BITCH !!!!!
So why do I still love her and would take her back in a heart beat... what is it about me that's such a sucker. I know logically it's probably for the best, but my heart, my broken weary heart, just want her to be here. If only she would walk through the door and say I'm here, here for life, unconditionally... I would do anything. Still deluded...I just wonder of she ever thinks of what could have been...we could have been amazing.
Friday, 8 April 2011
Cant take my mind off of you...
Its like you said,
you are in my head,
and I miss you,
all of me yearns for you,
and I sit knowing theres's nothing I can do,
wishing ro relive the days,
wishing I had changed my ways,
not knowing what to do,
not believing we're truly through,
the love of my life,
the only one I wanted as a wife,
a beautiful day outside, and so dull inside,
wishing you were here, sititng by my side,
hand in hand,
just can't take my mind off of you,
what am I to do...
you are in my head,
and I miss you,
all of me yearns for you,
and I sit knowing theres's nothing I can do,
wishing ro relive the days,
wishing I had changed my ways,
not knowing what to do,
not believing we're truly through,
the love of my life,
the only one I wanted as a wife,
a beautiful day outside, and so dull inside,
wishing you were here, sititng by my side,
hand in hand,
just can't take my mind off of you,
what am I to do...
All I ever wanted was...
All I ever wanted was someone whom I loved, someone who loved me, a family, a great place to live, a good business and someone to enjoy it all with, with enough income to spend time with them all.
Is this too much to ask?
My ex-wife just left one day after 14 years together and now she too just cuts off so instantly.
Is it me?
What have I done, what do I do, how can I be with women whom I adore and for so long and hey just leave... seemingly no feeling or remorse.
How can I ever trust anyone again ?
I had such faith and feel abandoned by God - 'ask and you will receive' - I asked and he has denied me this. I prayed so hard and long and finally I thought that God had delivered the answer to my prayers - she was the one, I could now develop the business, and eventually we could all move in together and I could live a truly thankful, happy life. I loved the fact she was close to her family, I always felt that in modern society we forget what is important. The fact that she was Muslim was not a problem either as my beliefs were for one God, it didn't matter what you called it, so this too was not a problem. In fact, often I felt the Islamic way held higher values and moral, I loved the intensity of family and the total loyalty - ha... what loyalty!!!
I wanted to have a long happy marriage with kids, grand kids, a home that was stable and a place for the family to feel secure and happy an oasis of love.
I really thought this, despite the divorce this was my chance, perhaps my last chance to finally grasp my dream. I am 45 and thought I still could celebrate a silver wedding with someone whom I loved and was my soulmate. I dreamt of big family lunches, some in the sun al fresco, filled with laughter and smiles. Perhaps this is my problem...just dreams...just dreams and hopes...backed by faith, a faith which is lost and without it what do I have, a cruel world which I am not sure I want to live.
Will she now have this with someone else. I have such mixed and distressing feeling. I love her so much I don't ever wish her harm, but i just can't find it in my heart to wish her well. perhaps thee is a higher purpose, a higher force, that I just can't comprehend. But I thought there was a God of love, a God of compassion... I see no such things.
Show me a sign... give me some hope... I am at my lowest and all around me seems, instead of offering a helping hand, I get kicked and kicked again. Is this self pity, I just don't know or understand anymore. Please God help me... show me...I am asking such little...please
Is this too much to ask?
My ex-wife just left one day after 14 years together and now she too just cuts off so instantly.
Is it me?
What have I done, what do I do, how can I be with women whom I adore and for so long and hey just leave... seemingly no feeling or remorse.
How can I ever trust anyone again ?
I had such faith and feel abandoned by God - 'ask and you will receive' - I asked and he has denied me this. I prayed so hard and long and finally I thought that God had delivered the answer to my prayers - she was the one, I could now develop the business, and eventually we could all move in together and I could live a truly thankful, happy life. I loved the fact she was close to her family, I always felt that in modern society we forget what is important. The fact that she was Muslim was not a problem either as my beliefs were for one God, it didn't matter what you called it, so this too was not a problem. In fact, often I felt the Islamic way held higher values and moral, I loved the intensity of family and the total loyalty - ha... what loyalty!!!
I wanted to have a long happy marriage with kids, grand kids, a home that was stable and a place for the family to feel secure and happy an oasis of love.
I really thought this, despite the divorce this was my chance, perhaps my last chance to finally grasp my dream. I am 45 and thought I still could celebrate a silver wedding with someone whom I loved and was my soulmate. I dreamt of big family lunches, some in the sun al fresco, filled with laughter and smiles. Perhaps this is my problem...just dreams...just dreams and hopes...backed by faith, a faith which is lost and without it what do I have, a cruel world which I am not sure I want to live.
Will she now have this with someone else. I have such mixed and distressing feeling. I love her so much I don't ever wish her harm, but i just can't find it in my heart to wish her well. perhaps thee is a higher purpose, a higher force, that I just can't comprehend. But I thought there was a God of love, a God of compassion... I see no such things.
Show me a sign... give me some hope... I am at my lowest and all around me seems, instead of offering a helping hand, I get kicked and kicked again. Is this self pity, I just don't know or understand anymore. Please God help me... show me...I am asking such little...please
Thursday, 7 April 2011
So sad so alone and so fat...
I thought this exercise was suppose to make you feel good... I have been out walking for an hour and during this time was in tears. Got home and as ever checked to see if she had been on line and yes, she had...why do I do this, I have to stop, it crucifies me every time and end up in tears. She hadn't been online for a couple of days and I was just praying she had given up and not persuing this, then this morning, wham she was online last night chatting and talking to someone else, someone that will never love her as I do, bu maybe they are rich, she likes rich, to give her a house, stability and a lifestyle...money, money money again.
Showered the looked in the mirror and what did I see... some old fat teary man looking back at me. I know it;s early days in the diet, but I despise what I see looking back at. How did I get like this, how could I let myself go like this, rolls of fat. No wonder she didn't find me attractive any more, fat, needy and a loser....not very attaractiv......just feel sad, alone and very very fat!
Showered the looked in the mirror and what did I see... some old fat teary man looking back at me. I know it;s early days in the diet, but I despise what I see looking back at. How did I get like this, how could I let myself go like this, rolls of fat. No wonder she didn't find me attractive any more, fat, needy and a loser....not very attaractiv......just feel sad, alone and very very fat!
Wednesday, 6 April 2011
Obsession...
Am I obsessed? Wanting to talk or contact her is always on my mind, I could easily turn into the stalker she accused me of being. But what if she actually wanted me to call, what if she was too proud to call me. Obsessive and delusional? Probably.
Have been thinking of emailing her sister to say I am here waiting, her sister seemed kind and loving, but I don't want to appear desperate. I AM DESPERATE! A dilema I don't want to move on, yet all advice tells me to do so. I can't stop loving her, but is this just going to destroy my life. I find little joy in my life, my kids are fabulous, funny and do give me joy, but on a different level. Should I accept this is all I will ever have now... accept the things you cant change, change the things you can and have the wisdom to know the difference. I guess I am just not wise!
It's this time of night I so miss her texts and chats, all for someone else now... what can I do...need the counselling to kick I think and maybe drugs too... miss her voice so very much... it brightened every day... joyful, soulful, beautiful... where are you!
Have been thinking of emailing her sister to say I am here waiting, her sister seemed kind and loving, but I don't want to appear desperate. I AM DESPERATE! A dilema I don't want to move on, yet all advice tells me to do so. I can't stop loving her, but is this just going to destroy my life. I find little joy in my life, my kids are fabulous, funny and do give me joy, but on a different level. Should I accept this is all I will ever have now... accept the things you cant change, change the things you can and have the wisdom to know the difference. I guess I am just not wise!
It's this time of night I so miss her texts and chats, all for someone else now... what can I do...need the counselling to kick I think and maybe drugs too... miss her voice so very much... it brightened every day... joyful, soulful, beautiful... where are you!
A sick mind...
It's true I have a sick mind, one of the last email she sent me said I had a sick mind, ok, i was bloody stupid and very drunk, but sick... only love sick... sick off thinking about her every moment of every day, sick of the pain inside my heart, sick of knowing my soulmate is seeing other people, sick of re-reading the words ... I am so glad it wasn't you in the end. Everytime I read them again and again it pierces my heart.
I would gladly make a fool of myself time and time again to make you smile. And yes I would love to move on but not with dignity, with pain, sorrow and remorse knowing the common sense I lack has let you slip through my fingers and it hurts, hurts so much and so long. And how can you find you soulmate on a dating site when I know deep down in my heart it is me.
I am that loser wallowing still in self-pity and a victim, but you still are the love of my life, but are so cruel. I only wanted love, I only wanted to share our lives, yes I make mistakes, yes I am foolish...but no one will love you more...I guess as ever love is just not enough.Why can't you just see sense, why can't you just ring me, it can all be sorted out... I will forgive you, always totally.
You can't find the love of your life because it's me... please god
Those lips...
Throughout my life I have kissed lots of women, but her lips were by far the sweetest, softest and most beautiful... they instantly turn me on and I could have kissed them all night long. I can't believe I will never have them next to mine again...how will I ever be able to face anyone else ...it took a lifetime to find them and I really don't want anything less. I would prefer never to kiss anyone again that have anything less.
Is there such a thing a s a perfect kiss... I thought I had found it. So soft and gentle and tasted so good... even in my most positive of moments (they are few lol), I know realistically the chances of ever being able to either have them or find anyone like this are so remote. I know perhaps one day there might be someone else... but never with a kiss and lips like those.
I am now in tears mourning never to touch them again... the pain and remorse is unbearable. What I would give for just a few more... I remember even out last parting kiss at the station.... it was bliss... never did I realise it would be our last....I can't bear the idea that it is out last...I know I need to move on, but it was the best I have ever had, the best I will ever have. It should have been longer, I should have never let her go... instead I behaved like an idiot, out of control and pushed her away, so out of control, so stupid, just stupid pride and self pity. These will never happen again... but too late... I have lost my soulmate, my best friend, my companion, the love of my life...the only woman I have ever wanted to marry, I married my wife, but she asked me, and there was love there but not like this.
Am I deluding myself, I seem to have no sense of reality and what my feelings are. I know my love is real and the pain is so very real, but the rest, I just don't know anymore but just can't stop thinking about...those lips!
Is there such a thing a s a perfect kiss... I thought I had found it. So soft and gentle and tasted so good... even in my most positive of moments (they are few lol), I know realistically the chances of ever being able to either have them or find anyone like this are so remote. I know perhaps one day there might be someone else... but never with a kiss and lips like those.
I am now in tears mourning never to touch them again... the pain and remorse is unbearable. What I would give for just a few more... I remember even out last parting kiss at the station.... it was bliss... never did I realise it would be our last....I can't bear the idea that it is out last...I know I need to move on, but it was the best I have ever had, the best I will ever have. It should have been longer, I should have never let her go... instead I behaved like an idiot, out of control and pushed her away, so out of control, so stupid, just stupid pride and self pity. These will never happen again... but too late... I have lost my soulmate, my best friend, my companion, the love of my life...the only woman I have ever wanted to marry, I married my wife, but she asked me, and there was love there but not like this.
Am I deluding myself, I seem to have no sense of reality and what my feelings are. I know my love is real and the pain is so very real, but the rest, I just don't know anymore but just can't stop thinking about...those lips!
Growing old... envy...
Every where I see, I see old couples together, in coffee shops, walking, laughing and just being and I feel envy...such envy. I wanted that to be us, I wanted us to grow old together and explore the world yet every day be in each others arms.
I wanted us to be that old married couple surrounded by children and grandchildren, living a life in harmony and growing old disgracefully together, still dancing, still kissing and still smiling, alway together through good times and bad.
I guess the bad times were too much and what I thought were good time were just not good enough!
So wanted to have the sunset of my life holding you close and feeling your warmth. So sorry I could not live up to your (or for that matter my) expectatons... god I miss you so and even on my morning walk can't stop thinking about you and shed a tear...pick up the phone and call... I WILL COME RUNNING. Just to hear your voice knowing that you wanted me... I would never let you go again...I would hold you so tight and close and make you never want to leave my side.
Just call me...email me...text me. Every day even though I know you won't whenever I get a text I still hope it's from you and my heart races and misses a beat and then... so so so disappointed every time it's not from you. Your texts kept me going through the day and added smiles and and love on a rainy day.
JUST CALL ME!!! TEXT ME!!! ANYTHING!!!!
PLEASE
I wanted us to be that old married couple surrounded by children and grandchildren, living a life in harmony and growing old disgracefully together, still dancing, still kissing and still smiling, alway together through good times and bad.
I guess the bad times were too much and what I thought were good time were just not good enough!
So wanted to have the sunset of my life holding you close and feeling your warmth. So sorry I could not live up to your (or for that matter my) expectatons... god I miss you so and even on my morning walk can't stop thinking about you and shed a tear...pick up the phone and call... I WILL COME RUNNING. Just to hear your voice knowing that you wanted me... I would never let you go again...I would hold you so tight and close and make you never want to leave my side.
Just call me...email me...text me. Every day even though I know you won't whenever I get a text I still hope it's from you and my heart races and misses a beat and then... so so so disappointed every time it's not from you. Your texts kept me going through the day and added smiles and and love on a rainy day.
JUST CALL ME!!! TEXT ME!!! ANYTHING!!!!
PLEASE
Tuesday, 5 April 2011
What's it all for...
Lost ten pounds this week, in attempt to start changing my life yet I feel nothing and just don't know what its all for... without someone to lie next to, someone to talk to, laugh with and smile at. I guess she's already doing those things with someone else. Whilst I can bearly function she's out there, dating flirting, smiling and laughing with someone else, probably laughing at my neediness and weakness with them. Just don't know what to do, I desperately want to call her but know this would be thrown back in my face and can stand the rejected. Will time heal and maybe just maybe, if I lose four stone in three months she might believe in my ability to change, she would see a different man...or am I just kidding myself... so wish and hope but so think so was so cold this couldn't be possible.
Is this it? Is this really over, is there really nothing I can do or say to change her mind. I know this mindset isn't good and I know I should try to move on, but I truly had faith things could get better. Perhaps this is why I get down, such faith an such lack of fulfilment in this faith just leads to constant disappointment with god and myself. Such high expectations of everyone, no wonder I feel let down. For the journey before us we must set the highest of standards by which to lead our lives...I use to try to live up to this and keep filing, failing, failing.
Why can't she just accept my love instead of wanting more, we could have had an amazing life together. Why can't I accept she just doesn't love me and move on. I am continually so confused and just don't know where to turn. So need a drink, it's been a week without and want it to numb the pain, but I have to be strong, just hate this thinking and thining, just want it to stop. Every time I see someone kiss it brings me to tears want her kiss for myself, every song lyrics of love makes me cry. Every time I see a beautiful smile I long for and remember my smiley angel. Can't move on yet, still grieving, still foolishly hoping and praying...what's it all for?
Is this it? Is this really over, is there really nothing I can do or say to change her mind. I know this mindset isn't good and I know I should try to move on, but I truly had faith things could get better. Perhaps this is why I get down, such faith an such lack of fulfilment in this faith just leads to constant disappointment with god and myself. Such high expectations of everyone, no wonder I feel let down. For the journey before us we must set the highest of standards by which to lead our lives...I use to try to live up to this and keep filing, failing, failing.
Why can't she just accept my love instead of wanting more, we could have had an amazing life together. Why can't I accept she just doesn't love me and move on. I am continually so confused and just don't know where to turn. So need a drink, it's been a week without and want it to numb the pain, but I have to be strong, just hate this thinking and thining, just want it to stop. Every time I see someone kiss it brings me to tears want her kiss for myself, every song lyrics of love makes me cry. Every time I see a beautiful smile I long for and remember my smiley angel. Can't move on yet, still grieving, still foolishly hoping and praying...what's it all for?
It's a rich mans world...
Money, money money... she said it was a lack of planning but would there been and thoughts of this had I had money, been able to whisk her way, but the house in London... I think not. It's been the bane of my life...all my life...never being able to earn enough no matter what I earn't and at one time I did earn well.
The ex-wife constantly wanted more more more and now... she had left me, not just money but what money can offer, security, planning and exciting lifestyle "doing" lots of things. She love "doing", I loved this to but also like "being", sitting, observing. There was never enough time to do everything, cramming everything in, do, do do. I joked that it doesn't matter we will never "do" it all - now we won't "do" any, together and this truly breaks my heart. I loved the doing, but love balance to. I love new things, places, people and find it so exciting, but leading back these things need money, money, money.
This is somehow where all my thoughts of planning fall flat, I just don't know how to secure this income - I try to plan, but it the reality of life is, that things, plans don't always work - or is it me. This is a question I keep asking myself, is it me, am I blinded, I so so want to live my dreams, but keep stumbling and don't know how to move forward, or at least now as quickly as I so desperately want and need to do. I WANT TO LIVE MY DREAM - I wish someone would show me how, encumbered by debt (or is this an excuse. I think it is), how do I gain the momentum to take giant steps, this is what it needs, not little steps, huge bloody giant sized strides and quick strides...how...please god (the god that has let me down), how can I move mountains...show me the way?
The ex-wife constantly wanted more more more and now... she had left me, not just money but what money can offer, security, planning and exciting lifestyle "doing" lots of things. She love "doing", I loved this to but also like "being", sitting, observing. There was never enough time to do everything, cramming everything in, do, do do. I joked that it doesn't matter we will never "do" it all - now we won't "do" any, together and this truly breaks my heart. I loved the doing, but love balance to. I love new things, places, people and find it so exciting, but leading back these things need money, money, money.
This is somehow where all my thoughts of planning fall flat, I just don't know how to secure this income - I try to plan, but it the reality of life is, that things, plans don't always work - or is it me. This is a question I keep asking myself, is it me, am I blinded, I so so want to live my dreams, but keep stumbling and don't know how to move forward, or at least now as quickly as I so desperately want and need to do. I WANT TO LIVE MY DREAM - I wish someone would show me how, encumbered by debt (or is this an excuse. I think it is), how do I gain the momentum to take giant steps, this is what it needs, not little steps, huge bloody giant sized strides and quick strides...how...please god (the god that has let me down), how can I move mountains...show me the way?
Coffee shop ramblings...
Still can't stop my rambling mind . Despite what all the books say about not contacting your ex I still find myself desperate to do so! Aim planning to change - have now not had a drink for a week and have a weigh in at the diet club . I think that perhaps, just maybe if I can physically show the changes just maybe there's hope ... Or am I setting myself up for another disappoitment? Despite all research to say I should let go I don't want to !!! Surely it's an unreasonable mind - I want prove all the books wrong and show LOVE can conquer all - am a a naive fool - probably - but surely we need people who hope and pray and believe ? My mind races for all thoughts of how I can change and makes things work - then fel ready when I realize she has moved on - dating other guys . Bitterly I pray she meets idiots and prats who treat her badly and then just maybe she will realize and appreciate what we had - please !!!
Monday, 4 April 2011
Always on my mind...
Always on my mind... just wish I could stop thinking. My last thought at night and my first thought in the morning. Even when I wake in the night she's the first thing. How can I stop my mind from thinking. I hope and pray to dream of happy times and when I do I never what that dream to end.
I sue this is the pathetic needy figure that was so repulsive... buy how can I stop how I feel, beleive me I don't want to feel this way...how does she just switch off as though I never existed. She told her sister at christmas she had never loved anyone and I overheard, we had a row about it then, I guess this must have been true, I just wish she had been honest then. But she then changed my mind and convinced me she did love me, why did she do that, why prolong my pain, was it just a plan until she found someone else.
She told me she now she wanted to live and not worry about love, hen puts straight back on her profile she wants some who lives to love... THAT IS ME!!! A life sharing the fun, tears and laughter...yet when the tears were he she bailed... couldn't last the course... empty rhetoric and was her religion, following and beleiving only the bits she wanted to. I beleived it all, I doted on her every word and she was so so convincing...wre they all lies or did she beleive them at the time... I guess I will never know.
So want to email her and ask her, so want to hear her voice and see her smile... but I know she will regect this patheic grovelling man... she always said she wants a "real man"... what the fuck does that mean...I gues just not me!
I sue this is the pathetic needy figure that was so repulsive... buy how can I stop how I feel, beleive me I don't want to feel this way...how does she just switch off as though I never existed. She told her sister at christmas she had never loved anyone and I overheard, we had a row about it then, I guess this must have been true, I just wish she had been honest then. But she then changed my mind and convinced me she did love me, why did she do that, why prolong my pain, was it just a plan until she found someone else.
She told me she now she wanted to live and not worry about love, hen puts straight back on her profile she wants some who lives to love... THAT IS ME!!! A life sharing the fun, tears and laughter...yet when the tears were he she bailed... couldn't last the course... empty rhetoric and was her religion, following and beleiving only the bits she wanted to. I beleived it all, I doted on her every word and she was so so convincing...wre they all lies or did she beleive them at the time... I guess I will never know.
So want to email her and ask her, so want to hear her voice and see her smile... but I know she will regect this patheic grovelling man... she always said she wants a "real man"... what the fuck does that mean...I gues just not me!
Point the way...
Dreamers cursed without direction,
Love will find the way,
But love is blind,
Dreams of soft and gentleness,
Can love find away,
Coldness all around,
Oh warming lips,
Show me the way,
Show me the path,
Together in love,
Showing the way,
The only way, ecstasy.
Love will find the way,
But love is blind,
Dreams of soft and gentleness,
Can love find away,
Coldness all around,
Oh warming lips,
Show me the way,
Show me the path,
Together in love,
Showing the way,
The only way, ecstasy.
A lifetime...
It's been a week, it feels a lifetime. Just one kiss, slow, soft, lingering, would melt away all my worries... I knew they were good but the thought of never having another...no one else could kiss like her.
What is she thinking, what is she doing, I so so hope shes not with anyone else, I can't bear the thought of her with anyone else. She's so stroppy and proud and silly and demanding and bossy...I miss all of those things too.
Should I call, will she think me still weak if I called... does she hate me... does she think I am a stalker...I hate the thought of her thinking ill of me. I want to send flowers, I want to make sure she is safe and well... I just want to hear her voice and try so hard to put a smile on that beautiful face.
Why did this happen...all couples have problems..ALL... she told me when she first met she would forgive most things...what did I do...why could I not satisfy her. ALL couples need patience..wher is her patience...she tested me and at the first hurdle and problem she bails on me...I had so much faith in her and feel so let down. I thought she was better strong, more forgiving and more compassionate. I would have been there for her thorughout whatever life would have thrown at us...rich or poor, sickness and in health...is this a sign of weakness... kindness, loyalty and a love that would endure a life time... I just don't understand.
Should i contact her sister, to see if she's ok... to see if there's any hope, I used to so believe in hope, dream and prayers... they all seem worthless now. Would her sister be sympathetic, I always liked her, she seemed spiritual and kind, would she be kind to me... what should I do...I am lost and without direction...exactly the things she seemed to hate about me...I HAVE NO PLAN... apart from LOVE... I guess love is just not a good enough plan or solution... I feel so down...just one word could change everything.
I keep asking god... just this thing...get her to call me..cal her to come to me... I ask, I seek and I knock and there's nothing... why why why... I have always tried to lead a good life, more than good. I try to help people, I try to do good, always... why has god left me...why am I so alone?
What is she thinking, what is she doing, I so so hope shes not with anyone else, I can't bear the thought of her with anyone else. She's so stroppy and proud and silly and demanding and bossy...I miss all of those things too.
Should I call, will she think me still weak if I called... does she hate me... does she think I am a stalker...I hate the thought of her thinking ill of me. I want to send flowers, I want to make sure she is safe and well... I just want to hear her voice and try so hard to put a smile on that beautiful face.
Why did this happen...all couples have problems..ALL... she told me when she first met she would forgive most things...what did I do...why could I not satisfy her. ALL couples need patience..wher is her patience...she tested me and at the first hurdle and problem she bails on me...I had so much faith in her and feel so let down. I thought she was better strong, more forgiving and more compassionate. I would have been there for her thorughout whatever life would have thrown at us...rich or poor, sickness and in health...is this a sign of weakness... kindness, loyalty and a love that would endure a life time... I just don't understand.
Should i contact her sister, to see if she's ok... to see if there's any hope, I used to so believe in hope, dream and prayers... they all seem worthless now. Would her sister be sympathetic, I always liked her, she seemed spiritual and kind, would she be kind to me... what should I do...I am lost and without direction...exactly the things she seemed to hate about me...I HAVE NO PLAN... apart from LOVE... I guess love is just not a good enough plan or solution... I feel so down...just one word could change everything.
I keep asking god... just this thing...get her to call me..cal her to come to me... I ask, I seek and I knock and there's nothing... why why why... I have always tried to lead a good life, more than good. I try to help people, I try to do good, always... why has god left me...why am I so alone?
Do they, will they...
Do they make you smile,
Do they skip with you holding your hand,
Do they send you flowers,
Do they make you pictures,
Do they make you music,
Do you drink from their mugs,
Do they?
Will they be there for you no matter what,
Will they love you with a burning passion,
Will they take care of you,
Will they sing to you,
Will they hold you never wanting to let you go,
Will they love to dance with you,
Will they write you poetry,
Talk for hours into the night,
Will they want to grow old with you?
Do they, will they?
Do they skip with you holding your hand,
Do they send you flowers,
Do they make you pictures,
Do they make you music,
Do you drink from their mugs,
Do they?
Will they be there for you no matter what,
Will they love you with a burning passion,
Will they take care of you,
Will they sing to you,
Will they hold you never wanting to let you go,
Will they love to dance with you,
Will they write you poetry,
Talk for hours into the night,
Will they want to grow old with you?
Do they, will they?
My ideal partner is someone who can be my best friend...
Looked again and read her profile... My ideal partner is someone who can be my best friend!
She was my best friend, my best friend lover, partner, soulmate and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her... I miss her so much. We would talks for hours each day, constant texts and email, all so romantic... does she not miss this?
Why does she not miss this... christ,we spoke and chatted so much.. for eighteen months... how can this be forgotten so easily.. how can she move on so quickly. I could of understood a break, even splitting up (to a degree), but to start again as though I never existed hurts so much. There's a void in my life and a huge whole in my heart, I physically feel pain and don't want to continue. Why do I fell so bad, why does it hurt so much, I never thought I could feel pain like this. I know I have my kids and they are fabulous, but she made me alive, inspired me... I guess just not enough to get off my lazy fat arse and do something about my life. I'm trying to do it now... just too too late. What a prat!!!
She was my best friend, my best friend lover, partner, soulmate and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her... I miss her so much. We would talks for hours each day, constant texts and email, all so romantic... does she not miss this?
Why does she not miss this... christ,we spoke and chatted so much.. for eighteen months... how can this be forgotten so easily.. how can she move on so quickly. I could of understood a break, even splitting up (to a degree), but to start again as though I never existed hurts so much. There's a void in my life and a huge whole in my heart, I physically feel pain and don't want to continue. Why do I fell so bad, why does it hurt so much, I never thought I could feel pain like this. I know I have my kids and they are fabulous, but she made me alive, inspired me... I guess just not enough to get off my lazy fat arse and do something about my life. I'm trying to do it now... just too too late. What a prat!!!
Why do I do it...
Got to work but cant stop thinking about her, wish I could stop my mind from thinking anything and just couldn't resist looking to see her profile on the dating site... why do I do this, it just tortures me to know she it talking and seeing other people, yet I still do it...why?
It takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them and a lifetime to forget them. That's the beginning of her profile, yet she took just a day to forget me and sign onto a dating site, she said she love me just a week before...can't stand it, did she ever love me, was I just foolish and strung along. I can't trust my own judgement about anything..what is real and what is make beleive...can I ever trust anyone?
I wanted to write my bucket list with her... why can't she see that... I can change and be the man she wants... if fact I want to be that man too... I just needed help and just someone, someone who could believe in me and just love me.
I am changing... starting to plan and started a diet last week and not had a drop of alcohol since. Bloody alcohol, if it wasn't for this I wouldn't have written those emails and signed up to that site and shown truly what a mess I was...and I was no sleep and bottles and bottles of wine and rants...no wonder she thought of me as a stalker and psyhco...it was desperation...love, passiona and desperation, so despserate for her love and to be there for me...shit what a weak needy prat!
I can understand why she didn't find me attractive, I had hit twenty stone... how could I let that happen. But this time the change will be lasting... just wish she could have just waited and had faith, ironic and her faith was supposedly so important, yet she chooses the bits to ignore. Why?
All I ever wanted was just to settle down, get married and share our lives, families and hearts. Shit, I a crying again...why why why???
It takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them and a lifetime to forget them. That's the beginning of her profile, yet she took just a day to forget me and sign onto a dating site, she said she love me just a week before...can't stand it, did she ever love me, was I just foolish and strung along. I can't trust my own judgement about anything..what is real and what is make beleive...can I ever trust anyone?
I wanted to write my bucket list with her... why can't she see that... I can change and be the man she wants... if fact I want to be that man too... I just needed help and just someone, someone who could believe in me and just love me.
I am changing... starting to plan and started a diet last week and not had a drop of alcohol since. Bloody alcohol, if it wasn't for this I wouldn't have written those emails and signed up to that site and shown truly what a mess I was...and I was no sleep and bottles and bottles of wine and rants...no wonder she thought of me as a stalker and psyhco...it was desperation...love, passiona and desperation, so despserate for her love and to be there for me...shit what a weak needy prat!
I can understand why she didn't find me attractive, I had hit twenty stone... how could I let that happen. But this time the change will be lasting... just wish she could have just waited and had faith, ironic and her faith was supposedly so important, yet she chooses the bits to ignore. Why?
All I ever wanted was just to settle down, get married and share our lives, families and hearts. Shit, I a crying again...why why why???
The most beautiful dream...
I had the most beautiful dream... I dreamt she was begging me to come back to her. It was so real and for a moment I felt truly happy... until I woke, woke to tears and the realisation that it's only in my dreams and sleep I seem to have solice from the pain... wish I could sleep forever.
Why did I send those emails. Thinking back to last weekend, full of drink and without any sleep, I send email, email full of anything to get a reaction, even her hating me was better than apathy and I really shouldnt have signed up to the dating site. I thought just maybe if I created someone who was her ideal man and the proved not to be ideal, or gave her advice about how she needed time, or what she was missing out on having found someone, she may come to her senses and realise what we had was good and could of been amazing, just with time efort and compromise. Everyone needs to compromise, we had love, why can't this be enough... the rest can be worked through... love conquers all... doesn't it, or so I thought. Rose tinted dreamer living a life for love... am I, I just don't know anything, I feel numb.
Why did I send those emails. Thinking back to last weekend, full of drink and without any sleep, I send email, email full of anything to get a reaction, even her hating me was better than apathy and I really shouldnt have signed up to the dating site. I thought just maybe if I created someone who was her ideal man and the proved not to be ideal, or gave her advice about how she needed time, or what she was missing out on having found someone, she may come to her senses and realise what we had was good and could of been amazing, just with time efort and compromise. Everyone needs to compromise, we had love, why can't this be enough... the rest can be worked through... love conquers all... doesn't it, or so I thought. Rose tinted dreamer living a life for love... am I, I just don't know anything, I feel numb.
Sunday, 3 April 2011
Stop my mind...
Kids have gone to bed and I am all alone...so very alone, I can't stop thinking about her, so beautiful so soft... can't stop crying... no wonder she saw me as needy. This would be the time of day we would call each other. hours on the phone, most days... such fun and smiles, never ending debate and repartee, followed by text, so loving and kind. I ache for her voice to tell me she loves me... still wishing hoping and praying that maybe, just maybe, she will come to her senses and phone. Every-time I get a text or email I am so desperate for it to be from her and feel so gutted when I realise it not going to happen. Why can't she just accept love... people go their whole lives never finding it and we had it .... why can't this be enough... just someone to share life's ups and downs, to rely upon, care for and cuddle. I so wanted her for my wife... even looked at rings... beautiful art deco diamond and rubies, she would looked so good wearing it. I can't help wondering what she told her children, how can you justify moving ob so quickly, especially being muslim... she shouldn't even be with a christian... so much for God and the Koran... yet she's still on the dating site, supposedly she said supported by her family. Why the fuck doesn't this muslim family tell her the lack of morality involved and what loyalty means.
Someone somewhere tell her what a huge mistake she is making.. no one could ever possibly love her more.. WHY ISN'T LOVE ENOUGH WHY WHY WHY????
Someone somewhere tell her what a huge mistake she is making.. no one could ever possibly love her more.. WHY ISN'T LOVE ENOUGH WHY WHY WHY????
Its been just under a week...
It's been just under a week and I still can't stop crying... just another example of how she was right - so weak, so needy. How can I stop the pain and come to terms with the loss? How can I stop the neediness, what woman would ever want someone like this? But I loved her with a passion so strong and would have done anything for her, anything - can this love really be so wrong - all I ever wanted was for this to be reciprocated just a little helping hand when I was so down, one sign or word and she would/could have transformed me. But now she's gone. What crushed me so much was she put herself on a dating site the very next day..THE NEXT DAY... christ is there no feeling there. We had been together for 18 months... two weeks previous she had told me she loved me and wham, straight back dating. I am/was destroyed and she even used the shot I took from a fabulous holiday we had together - so cruel.
I really thought she was the one, typical having been married for 15 years previously and having had a nasty divorce and custody battle, I swore I would never let anyone get close again, but she was so beautiful, so bright, so positive, it really was infectious, it was so easy to fall for her. She lit up a room when she walked in and everyone loved her (some too much!!). But she lived over an hour away and I had full custody of my beautiful children and just could handle the juggling. I had been on the verge of bankruptcy after my ex left, leaving me in debt and I spent the last money I had fighting a nasty custody battle which I finally won and got my beautiful little angles back with me. I had put on a lot of weight and I guess she just didn't find me either physically or emotionally attractive... but I could have changed...all I need was an act of faith, belief and a little helping hand, why so shallow, why so disloyal, why no love or empathy???
I thought finally, although still no money and struggling to get work god had truly blessed me and I had found someone to share our lives with - god is cruel. I was just not enough for her, I couldn't provide a home and failed to plan a future...all I wanted was for us to be together and blocked out the practicalities of how to make that happen...I just hope and prayed god would show us, find me a way...how stupid was I? I have even lost my faith too now, how can a god give me such hope and happiness and then take it way. Go the father? I am a father and I would never treat my children this way.
She's on the site now, every day I log on and torture myself to see if she has been online and every day she has and I end up in tears - why do I do that - why do I torture myself so? I can't bear the thought of her with someone else. I feel lost, abandoned and so so helpless. How can I get over this, how can I move on. I just can't stop thinking about her and just want to turn my mind off, I just look forward to the semi solice of sleep, where at least I can rest and not think for a few hours.
How can she start dating again after 18 months - I really just can't understand it. I feel I just never knew this person with whom I would have trusted my life... but still just want her back. I want to feel those warm soft lips and hold her in my arms feeling her warm skin next to mine...truly heaven, truly truly heaven. I can't bear the thought of never waking up in the night and feeling her naked body next to mine and waking and just staring at how beautiful she was. God help me... is there a god?
I can't stand the pain...help me.
I really thought she was the one, typical having been married for 15 years previously and having had a nasty divorce and custody battle, I swore I would never let anyone get close again, but she was so beautiful, so bright, so positive, it really was infectious, it was so easy to fall for her. She lit up a room when she walked in and everyone loved her (some too much!!). But she lived over an hour away and I had full custody of my beautiful children and just could handle the juggling. I had been on the verge of bankruptcy after my ex left, leaving me in debt and I spent the last money I had fighting a nasty custody battle which I finally won and got my beautiful little angles back with me. I had put on a lot of weight and I guess she just didn't find me either physically or emotionally attractive... but I could have changed...all I need was an act of faith, belief and a little helping hand, why so shallow, why so disloyal, why no love or empathy???
I thought finally, although still no money and struggling to get work god had truly blessed me and I had found someone to share our lives with - god is cruel. I was just not enough for her, I couldn't provide a home and failed to plan a future...all I wanted was for us to be together and blocked out the practicalities of how to make that happen...I just hope and prayed god would show us, find me a way...how stupid was I? I have even lost my faith too now, how can a god give me such hope and happiness and then take it way. Go the father? I am a father and I would never treat my children this way.
She's on the site now, every day I log on and torture myself to see if she has been online and every day she has and I end up in tears - why do I do that - why do I torture myself so? I can't bear the thought of her with someone else. I feel lost, abandoned and so so helpless. How can I get over this, how can I move on. I just can't stop thinking about her and just want to turn my mind off, I just look forward to the semi solice of sleep, where at least I can rest and not think for a few hours.
How can she start dating again after 18 months - I really just can't understand it. I feel I just never knew this person with whom I would have trusted my life... but still just want her back. I want to feel those warm soft lips and hold her in my arms feeling her warm skin next to mine...truly heaven, truly truly heaven. I can't bear the thought of never waking up in the night and feeling her naked body next to mine and waking and just staring at how beautiful she was. God help me... is there a god?
I can't stand the pain...help me.
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