It's been just under a week and I still can't stop crying... just another example of how she was right - so weak, so needy. How can I stop the pain and come to terms with the loss? How can I stop the neediness, what woman would ever want someone like this? But I loved her with a passion so strong and would have done anything for her, anything - can this love really be so wrong - all I ever wanted was for this to be reciprocated just a little helping hand when I was so down, one sign or word and she would/could have transformed me. But now she's gone. What crushed me so much was she put herself on a dating site the very next day..THE NEXT DAY... christ is there no feeling there. We had been together for 18 months... two weeks previous she had told me she loved me and wham, straight back dating. I am/was destroyed and she even used the shot I took from a fabulous holiday we had together - so cruel.
I really thought she was the one, typical having been married for 15 years previously and having had a nasty divorce and custody battle, I swore I would never let anyone get close again, but she was so beautiful, so bright, so positive, it really was infectious, it was so easy to fall for her. She lit up a room when she walked in and everyone loved her (some too much!!). But she lived over an hour away and I had full custody of my beautiful children and just could handle the juggling. I had been on the verge of bankruptcy after my ex left, leaving me in debt and I spent the last money I had fighting a nasty custody battle which I finally won and got my beautiful little angles back with me. I had put on a lot of weight and I guess she just didn't find me either physically or emotionally attractive... but I could have changed...all I need was an act of faith, belief and a little helping hand, why so shallow, why so disloyal, why no love or empathy???
I thought finally, although still no money and struggling to get work god had truly blessed me and I had found someone to share our lives with - god is cruel. I was just not enough for her, I couldn't provide a home and failed to plan a future...all I wanted was for us to be together and blocked out the practicalities of how to make that happen...I just hope and prayed god would show us, find me a way...how stupid was I? I have even lost my faith too now, how can a god give me such hope and happiness and then take it way. Go the father? I am a father and I would never treat my children this way.
She's on the site now, every day I log on and torture myself to see if she has been online and every day she has and I end up in tears - why do I do that - why do I torture myself so? I can't bear the thought of her with someone else. I feel lost, abandoned and so so helpless. How can I get over this, how can I move on. I just can't stop thinking about her and just want to turn my mind off, I just look forward to the semi solice of sleep, where at least I can rest and not think for a few hours.
How can she start dating again after 18 months - I really just can't understand it. I feel I just never knew this person with whom I would have trusted my life... but still just want her back. I want to feel those warm soft lips and hold her in my arms feeling her warm skin next to mine...truly heaven, truly truly heaven. I can't bear the thought of never waking up in the night and feeling her naked body next to mine and waking and just staring at how beautiful she was. God help me... is there a god?
I can't stand the pain...help me.
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