Lost 5lbs this week...

Lost 5lbs this week...plus ten last week, so over a stone in two weeks, if this carries on I could be back at the weight I met her by her birthday... would this show her I can change... or will I by this stage just be a distant memory. Should I just move on... so difficult, she had been on my mind all day and all of last night, going over again and again, what I could have done differently.

The weight loss is good, but it is very much a drop in the ocean to what I need to do and I know I need to excercise, but I am so lacking in motivation, all I want is a few bottles of cold crisp Australian Chardonnay to stop my relentless mind.
Can't help thinking about who she is with and, who would be kissing those amazing lips and now, even if she called, could I ever trust or forgive her, so arbitary as I really don't, despite all my wishful thinking think it would ever happen - even if she wanted too, she would be too proud to call. I am brimming with jealousy, anger and unhappiness and wish it would all end soon.

Despite my lack of faith, I still find myself talking to and praying to go... so praying for a miracle... just a little one, or even just a sign. How can my god be so unkind, so unloving and inflict so much pain on me. All I want is to have a reason for it all, hence my struggle to have faith. Every tv programme or song on the radio seems set on reminding me that I have no one and am so, so alone. Seeing any affection between two people makes me mourn my loss and pity myself more, knowing that I will never find love or happiness again brings me to tears and true despair. How can my god desert me in my hours of need, how can the love of my life desert me in my hours of need, desert me and kick me whilst I am down. I feel so worthless and ashamed of what I have become, I had such hope, dreams and ambitions all now seem a distance memory and just don't know where to turn. Faith and hope seem pointless, perhaps acceptance of this is it - and if it is I just don't want it... still I did lose 5lbs this week... meaningless with recognition and appreciation from her. So sad...so lonely...wish she was here to hold my hand and wipe away my tears...just can't stop thinking about her...God help me!