Lost 7lbs this week... bring my total for the last three weeks to 21lbs - but still such a long long way to go and despite what should be something to be proud of I feel so desperately demotivated and want it to be more, yet can't get myself to exercise - perhaps tomorrow may be different, but I just think "what's the point", she is right I guess I am just lazy - can't motivate myself to do anything, just do the things that I have to. So desperatley want to be thin, to prove to her that I can change, I can change (yet here I am being lazy! - such contradictions - must pull myself together).
I feel so tired and sleep is still my friend, somewhere to stop thinking and sometimes I might even have a a fabulous dream of us together, just one more kiss one more night - my dreams are of this and don't know how to make them a reality. Everything I seem to do is not enough - I am lazy - not enough work done, not enough weight lost, not enough energy, not man enough, what sort of "real" man is so weak and needy, - how do I change this, she will now for ever see me as weak and needy and fat - oh so very fat - 7lbs and still so fat - so tired. I so hope I dream of us together and happy times, miss her so much.
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