Lost ten pounds this week, in attempt to start changing my life yet I feel nothing and just don't know what its all for... without someone to lie next to, someone to talk to, laugh with and smile at. I guess she's already doing those things with someone else. Whilst I can bearly function she's out there, dating flirting, smiling and laughing with someone else, probably laughing at my neediness and weakness with them. Just don't know what to do, I desperately want to call her but know this would be thrown back in my face and can stand the rejected. Will time heal and maybe just maybe, if I lose four stone in three months she might believe in my ability to change, she would see a different man...or am I just kidding myself... so wish and hope but so think so was so cold this couldn't be possible.
Is this it? Is this really over, is there really nothing I can do or say to change her mind. I know this mindset isn't good and I know I should try to move on, but I truly had faith things could get better. Perhaps this is why I get down, such faith an such lack of fulfilment in this faith just leads to constant disappointment with god and myself. Such high expectations of everyone, no wonder I feel let down. For the journey before us we must set the highest of standards by which to lead our lives...I use to try to live up to this and keep filing, failing, failing.
Why can't she just accept my love instead of wanting more, we could have had an amazing life together. Why can't I accept she just doesn't love me and move on. I am continually so confused and just don't know where to turn. So need a drink, it's been a week without and want it to numb the pain, but I have to be strong, just hate this thinking and thining, just want it to stop. Every time I see someone kiss it brings me to tears want her kiss for myself, every song lyrics of love makes me cry. Every time I see a beautiful smile I long for and remember my smiley angel. Can't move on yet, still grieving, still foolishly hoping and praying...what's it all for?
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