Got to work but cant stop thinking about her, wish I could stop my mind from thinking anything and just couldn't resist looking to see her profile on the dating site... why do I do this, it just tortures me to know she it talking and seeing other people, yet I still do it...why?
It takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them and a lifetime to forget them. That's the beginning of her profile, yet she took just a day to forget me and sign onto a dating site, she said she love me just a week before...can't stand it, did she ever love me, was I just foolish and strung along. I can't trust my own judgement about anything..what is real and what is make beleive...can I ever trust anyone?
I wanted to write my bucket list with her... why can't she see that... I can change and be the man she wants... if fact I want to be that man too... I just needed help and just someone, someone who could believe in me and just love me.
I am changing... starting to plan and started a diet last week and not had a drop of alcohol since. Bloody alcohol, if it wasn't for this I wouldn't have written those emails and signed up to that site and shown truly what a mess I was...and I was no sleep and bottles and bottles of wine and rants...no wonder she thought of me as a stalker and psyhco...it was desperation...love, passiona and desperation, so despserate for her love and to be there for me...shit what a weak needy prat!
I can understand why she didn't find me attractive, I had hit twenty stone... how could I let that happen. But this time the change will be lasting... just wish she could have just waited and had faith, ironic and her faith was supposedly so important, yet she chooses the bits to ignore. Why?
All I ever wanted was just to settle down, get married and share our lives, families and hearts. Shit, I a crying again...why why why???
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